INT. BEDROOM — DAY

 

MICHAEL awakens to the Chamber Brother’s ‘Time Has Come Today.’ Focus on calendar. It reads ‘Graduation Day’. Michael gets ready. Music cuts out and cut to an office.

 

VOICE: You’re not graduating. 

 

Cut to Michael sitting on a couch, desolate. Camera zooms in on his face. 

 

MICHAEL: I guess I should use that time machine. 

 

Cut to MIKEY, 13 years ago. Mikey and Young Donny are sitting together with a pipe. Pink Floyd’s ‘Time’ plays.

 

YOUNG DONNY: It’s college. It’s time for experimentation.

 

MICHAEL: (with a newspaper)(Kicks the door in) Don’t you dare, Donny! 

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MIKEY: What? 

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YOUNG DONNY: Who are you?

 

MICHAEL: Your fairy godmother! (Grabs the pipe) That stuff will kill you! (kicks Young Donny out)

 

MIKEY: Are you the RA? 

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MICHAEL: No, asswipe. I’m you from the future. 

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MIKEY: Huh. Okay.

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MICHAEL: What? You just believe me? You mean I brought this future newspaper as proof for nothing?

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MIKEY: I can see the resemblance. What can I do for you?

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MICHAEL: Shape up kid. I’m can’t graduate because you spend the next thirteen years doing drugs and having sex.

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MIKEY: Whoa, what are you blaming me for? I’m a virgin and I’ve never done drugs. So whatever went wrong had to happen between your time and mine. 

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MICHAEL: You’re right. That punk. (heading for the time portal) Let’s go get him.

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MIKEY (following): Weed isn’t actually lethal, is it?

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MICHAEL: Donny walked in front of a bus high.

 

Cut to Mike with a girl. The Zombie’s ‘Time of the Season’ plays. She is awkward. He is oblivious. Michael and Mikey burst in.

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MICHAEL: Get out of here! (Mikey ushers her out)

 

MIKE: What the fuck? I was about to hook up with her!

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MICHAEL: No. No you weren’t.

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MIKE: How would you know? 

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MICHAEL: Oh, I know. 

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MIKE: Who are you guys?

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MIKEY: Don’t you recognize us?

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MIKE: No, asswhipe. Should I?

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MICHAEL: Don’t call him asswhipe, buttwhipe. 

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MIKEY: Show him the newspaper.

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MICHAEL: Damn. I left the newspaper in your time! We’re time travelers. We’re you. I’m your future and he’s your past.

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MIKE: The hell was in my weed?

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MICHAEL: Hold him down.

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MIKE & MIKEY: What?

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Michael holds up a tattoo gun. Cut to Mike massaging his arm and Michael admiring his new (time is relative) tattoo.

 

MIKE: Did you have to tattoo me to prove you’re from the future?

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MICHAEL: No, I just wanted this tattoo without the pain. Now look you little shit. No more shit. You’ve got to get your shit together. I can’t graduate because you spent all your time smoking weed, drinking beer, and having sex.

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MIKEY: Just so I’m clear, I do lose my virginity?

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MIKE: Oh, dude, totally. Like that girl you just saw? Totally banged her.

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MICHAEL: No you didn’t. Look, you’ve got to knock this shit off, or we’re all screwed. So stop fucking this up for the rest of us!

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MIKEY: Yeah!

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MIKE: Why are you guys picking on me?!

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MICHAEL: Because I hate you and he doesn’t know any better!

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MIKEY: Yeah! Wait, what?

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MIKE & MICHAEL: Shut the hell up, asswhipe!

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MIKEY (hurt): You shut the hell up … 

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MICHAEL: No, sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m thirty-one. I have to get out of here.

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MIKE: I’m only twenty-two, so why are you on my case, grandpa? I’m having fun. (to Mikey) Fun. Doesn’t that sound fun? Of course it does.

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MIKEY: He has a point. 

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MICHAEL: No he doesn’t!

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MIKEY: Sex is a pretty good point.

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MICHAEL: Oh my God. I just realized, you’re an idiot and you’re an asshole. 

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MIKE: That makes you an idiotic asshole.

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MICHAEL (sits on couch): I know. Congrats. This is what you have to look forward to. (takes young Donny’s weed and starts to smoke it)

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MIKEY (sits next to Michael): He has a point. 

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MIKE (Also sits): Okay, so what if he does? What do we do about it?

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MIKEY : Never too late to change.

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MIKE: So, what? We just promise to be better? Think that would work?

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CUT: Nine years later. Michael wakes up to Bob Dylan’s ‘Times They are A-changing’, checks his new tat, checks the date, cheers. Enter Old Donny. 

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MICHAEL: Who are you?

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OLD DONNY: It’s me, Donny? 

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MICHAEL: You didn’t get hit by a bus? 

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OLD DONNY: Oh, no. I got rich from that Newspaper you left back in 2003. 

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MICHAEL: Hah! You’re alive and rich and I’m graduating. 

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OLD DONNY: No you’re not. You failed CSIS.

 

BLACKOUT

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MICHAEL: FUCK!