Written by Shane Zellow
Directed by Emma Folwell
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An art heist goes sideways when the forger is revealed to be a world-famous artist who just wants the chance to *fix* their magnum opus.
The ART MUSEUM is closing up for the day, the patrons have gone. A security guard passes through, eyeing a particular painting, before turning away, unimpressed. When the coast is clear, two figures, JAMIE & ALEX slink into view, dressed all in black with duffel bags slung over their shoulders. They scan the room before approaching the same painting the security guard was looking at.
JAMIE: Is it this one?
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ALEX: You know it is.
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JAMIE:
It’s just ...
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ALEX: Just what?
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JAMIE: It’s not very good, is it?
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ALEX: You’re just not looking at it right.
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JAMIE: All artists say that, “You’re just not looking right.” Angles don’t figure much into looking at a two dimensional canvas .... What are you doing? Where’s the forgery?
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(Alex has removed a set of paints and placed them on the floor along a near perfect recreation of the painting they intend to steal.)
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ALEX: The forgery ... may not be finished.
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JAMIE: Oh ... that’s fine.
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ALEX: It’s fine?
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JAMIE: No it’s not fine!
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ALEX: ... Well. Fine. Be that way. I only hired you for this job.
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JAMIE: Oh, no, you don’t! You always do this. I am not letting you guilt trip me. I gave you plenty of time.
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ALEX: Keep your voice down -- and evidently not.
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JAMIE: I gave you the time you said you needed!
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ALEX: ... Your mistake for trusting an artist’s estimate of time.
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JAMIE: You’re not an artist, Alex! You’re a glorified copy machine!
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ALEX: That’s just uncalled for, and keep your voice down, and I’m done.
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JAMIE: You sure? There’s nothing else you want to do?
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ALEX: Jaime ...
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JAMIE: Maybe we could stroll around the gallery—
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ALEX: JAIME!
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JAMIE: What?
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ALEX: Be quiet, someone is coming!
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JAMIE: Security shouldn’t circle back this way for—
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ALEX: For once in your life, just listen!
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(Alex and Jamie press their ears against the door.)
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JAMIE: Someone is coming!
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ALEX: ... How have you never been caught?
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JAMIE: Enough with the sass. Watch the door while I switch out the paintings.
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(Jamie struggles to replace the forgery for the original while Alex keeps an eye on the door before rushing to Jamie’s side.)
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ALEX: Hurry! They’re almost here!
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JAMIE: Done! Go! Go!
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(Alex and Jamie run for the door, struggling to pack up the paints and the original painting before making for the door, just as it opens. A janitor, MORGAN, mop in hand, with headphones securely in place, backs into the room, dancing and lip-syncing to the unheard music. Jaime and Alex watch for a moment, glancing between one another before creeping toward the door. Morgan spins in place to the music, sending Alex and Jamie scattering to opposite corners of the room, far from the door. Morgan continues to spin, abandoning mopping completely. The burglars circle with Morgan, attempting to reach the door. Every time they get close, Morgan turns in a different direction. Finally, the burglars make a break for it, and knock each other to the ground.)
MORGAN: Huh?
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(Alex and Jamie scramble to the corner as Morgan turns toward where they fell, eyes filled with suspicion. Morgan looks around the gallery without seeing them, eyes stopping on the painting, recognizing that something is off.)
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MORGAN: That’s not right.
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JAMIE: It’s not?
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ALEX: Uh ...
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(Morgan turns in place, pulling out the headphones out. There’s no sign of the burglars. Morgan turns back to the painting before clicking a walky-talky on on.)
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MORGAN: Hey, Tracy, can you come to the Modern Art Gallery? You’ll want to see this.
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JAMIE: Alex ... what did you do?
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MORGAN: Okay, I know I heard something that time.
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(Morgan brandishes the mop like a weapon, circling the room. Alex and Jamie take the opportunity while Morgan’s back is turned, to sidle once again toward the door. When the burglars reach for the door it bangs open. They duck behind the door as TRACY, the security guard enters. Morgan jumps and lets out a scream at Tracy’s entrance.)
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MORGAN: You just can’t go sneaking up on people!
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TRACY: I didn’t, Morgan. You called me here.
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MORGAN: Not the point.
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TRACY: Then what is the point?
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MORGAN: This!
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TRACY: The ... painting?
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MORGAN: It’s not the painting.
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TRACY: It’s ... not?
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MORGAN: No!
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TRACY: Is it the ... frame?
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MORGAN: Tracy, it’s a fake!
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TRACY: How can you tell?
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JAMIE: Yeah, Alex ... how can they tell?
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MORGAN: Seriously? Look at it. It’s practically a different painting. Look at the pamphlet. See? This was changed ... and this. You don’t see it?
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TRACY: Morgan, it was an ugly painting before, and it’s an ugly painting now.
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(Alex jumps into view.)
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ALEX: How dare you!
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JAMIE: Oh, Jesus.
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MORGAN: Who the hell are you?
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TRACY: This gallery is closed. You shouldn’t be here.
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MORGAN: I don’t think they’re patrons, Tracy. Who are you?
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ALEX: As if you don’t know! That’s my picture right there in that pamphlet!
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JAIME & MORGAN: What?
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(Tracy unfolds the museum pamphlet.)
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TRACY: Wow! It’s an honor to meet you!
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(Alex and Tracy shake hands.)
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ALEX: A fan?
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TRACY: Oh, no, just never met any of the artists here. Most of them are dead before their work comes our way.
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MORGAN: Them or their careers.
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ALEX: That’s ... not comforting?
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JAMIE: Hold on just a minute. Alex, this ... is your painting? You are the artist who painted this piece of canvas that we see before us.
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ALEX: You watched me paint it.
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JAMIE: The one in the pamphlet! That was you?
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ALEX: Yes.
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JAMIE: Then why are we here?!
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MORGAN: Why are you here? And why are you dressed like burglars?
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JAMIE: We’re not ... we’re obviously dressed like artists ... which we are! Because my friend painted this famous painting here.
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MORGAN: I don’t believe you.
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JAMIE: Why not?
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MORGAN: Because the paint on this canvas is still wet.
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ALEX: That’s ... not——it’s a special characteristic of the special paint I used. Old family recipe.
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MORGAN: Then why is the painting different that in the pamphlet?
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ALEX: ... Special paint?
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MORGAN: Wait ... are you stealing your own ... painting?
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JAMIE: Whaaaaa? That’d be ridiculous.
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MORGAN: Yes, it would. Then why are you doing it?
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JAMIE: Who would steal their own painting and replace it with a different version of it?
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MORGAN: A forgery?
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JAMIE: I wouldn’t call it that. Some might. They’d be wrong.
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MORGAN: Probably. It’s really clearly not the same painting, so it’s a crappy forgery.
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ALEX: Is not!
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TRACY: It really isn’t. I still don’t see the difference.
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MORGAN: Tracy, focus. That was a confession!
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TRACY: Confession to what?
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MORGAN: Stealing!
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ALEX: It’s my painting!
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MORGAN: Tell that to Roland Barthes!
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TRACY: Who?
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MORGAN: He was a French dude who said artistic intention is bullshit.
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ALEX: That is a gross oversimplification!
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MORGAN: No more oversimplified than your bastardization of abstract impressionism!
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ALEX: How dare you!
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MORGAN: How dare I? You’re the idiot breaking into a museum to switch out your own famous painting for a fake!
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ALEX: It’s not a fake it’s a fix!
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(Beat.)
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JAMIE: Let me get this straight ... you hired me to steal your famous painting so you could switch it with a ... revision? Or is that another gross oversimplification?
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ALEX: It’s ... just look.
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(Alex drops his duffel bag and compares the paintings.)
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ALEX (cont’d): I didn’t notice until the unveiling of the exhibit. There I was, surrounded by the most talented artists, my idols, and here sat my painting ... a failure.
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MORGAN: What ... is it this little bit here?
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ALEX: Yes! Don’t you see how it changes the entire composition?
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JAMIE: I kind of like the original, honestly.
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ALEX: Are you an artist?
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MORGAN: I am, and I agree with him.
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ALEX: What about you?
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TRACY: I’m not an artist, but I like your replacement. It’s ... happier.
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ALEX: Happier?
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MORGAN: You can’t control how an audience engages with your work. Tracy’s interpretation is as valid as yours.
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(Beat. Alex is at a loss for words.)
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JAMIE: Ownership of artwork aside, what happens now? Can we just ... go?
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MORGAN: Are you joking? Do you know how serious this is?
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TRACY: You can go.
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MORGAN: What?!
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TRACY: The new one looks better.
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ALEX: Wow! Thanks!
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MORGAN: You can’t just let them leave. What about the museum? That’s a piece of famous art walking out the door.
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TRACY: Answer me this: it’s still a terrible painting.
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ALEX: Wow ... Thanks.
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TRACY: It’s not famous because it’s any good. It’s famous because it’s in a museum. If the new version is the one that makes him happy, then what’s wrong with that.
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MORGAN: Fine! Go! Without consequences. But I want the original or I’m calling the cops.
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JAMIE: No way. I’m not leaving empty-handed.
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ALEX: I’ll paint you another one.
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(Beat.)
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JAMIE: Fine.
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(Morgan claims the original painting. Jamie storms to the door. Alex starts to follow.)
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MORGAN: Wait!
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ALEX: Hmmn?
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MORGAN: Uh ... can I get an autograph?
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ALEX: Sure? Morgan, right?
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(Alex takes the original painting and scribbles a note on the back. Morgan jumps up and down in excitement, accidentally swinging the mop into Alex, who tumbles backward, colliding with the canvas. As they go down, both paintings are ruined. Beat.)
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TRACY: You know what they say. The impermanence of art is what gives it value.
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ALEX: Shit!
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BLACKOUT