INT. AIRPORT — DAY 

 

DON DENNETT, a grumpy, laconic employee sits by himself, reading THE DINER PROJECT. PATRICK SWAYZE, a well dressed, fast talking womanizer enters and claims a seat uncomfortably close to Don.

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PATRICK: If I go to the bathroom, will you watch my stuff? 

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DON: (Without looking up) No.

 

PATRICK: Great. This luggage costs more than your entire ... (looks him up and down)you.

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Patrick exits. NATALIE KNOPE, a formal, over-excitable woman enters, holding a sign that reads ZACH ADAMS.

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NATALIE: Excuse me? (Don grunts) Are you Zach Adams?

 

DON: I am not. 

 

NATALIE: Oh, I’m supposed to wait here for Zach Adams.

 

DON: So I assumed.

 

NATALIE: My name is Natalie Knope. Zach is my date. 

 

DON: And he looks like me? Handsome devil.

 

NATALIE: No. Well, maybe. It’s a long story. My friend set me up on a blind date, so I don’t know! ... Huh, that was shorter than I expected.

 

DON: A blind date ... at an airport?

 

NATALIE: No! Pfft, airport. No. He’s just flying in, so I ‘convinced’ her to let me ... pick him up—(under her breath)

and take him on a Ice-Cream-a-thon.  

 

DON: Let me get this straight, you’re having a blind date at an airport?

 

NATALIE: Well, when you put it that way it just sound crazy!

 

DON: It is.

 

NATALIE: Boy-oh-boy this awkward. I’m just gonna ... go back over here. Forever.

 

Beat. Natalie walks away. Patrick returns, just missing her.

 

PATRICK

 

Nice job. So you travel a lot? I travel a lot. For work. I go all sorts of cool places. Where are you traveling too?

 

DON

 

I’m not.

 

PATRICK: So ... you’re waiting for someone?

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DON: I am doing neither. I am a proud employee of this establishment. (proudly) That is my office over there. 

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PATRICK: ... The airport?

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DON: Yes. The airport.

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PATRICK: Wow! ... That’s the dullest thing anyone has said to me in my life! So what do you do? Just sit here and wait to die?

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DON: Seeing as you have no intention of shutting up, I am on my break. Until recently, this entire area could have been described as ‘welcomingly desolate.’

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PATRICK: You mean empty.

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DON: (Relishing) Exactly.

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PATRICK: (Looks around, sees Natalie) Except it’s not. Who is that girl?

 

DON: Do you expect me to know anyone who passes through—(looks)—That’s Natalie, she’s waiting for her blind date.

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PATRICK: Blind date ... at an airport? Weird!

 

DON: (Realizes he’s made a mistake) You’re about to abuse that information aren’t you. 

 

PATRICK: Of course I am. You’re a good friend.

 

DON: I don’t have friends. 

 

PATRICK: She’s alone and I’m obviously the better choice that whoever she’s waiting for. Just look at my body.

 

DON: Zach Adams? Also, put those away. 

 

PATRICK: Ooh, good catch on the name. 

 

DON: I hate you.

 

PATRICK: I am Zach Adams. I am Zach Adams. I am Zach Adams. Wish me luck.

 

DON: Son, just for the record, you’re a moron. Now go. Watching you embarrass yourself might prove entertaining.

 

PATRICK: (Approaches Natalie) Oh, hello, you dropped this.

 

NATALIE: No I didn’t.

 

PATRICK: Are you sure?

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NATALIE: Yep.

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PATRICK: Could you be wrong?

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NATALIE: Nah, I don’t think so.

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PATRICK: You’re very self-assured.

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NATALIE: Excuse me, but I’m waiting for someone and I can’t see past your abnormally large head. 

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PATRICK: I’m just going to pretend that didn’t hurt me to my core.

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NATALIE: Oh! I’m sorry, you were complimenting me and I insulted you didn’t I? 

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PATRICK: Don’t mention it.

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NATALIE: Okay! I won’t.

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PATRICK: Alright ... well, I’ll just--I thought you dropped this, so I’ll ... just ... go ... wait for my date. Her name is Natalie. 

 

(starts away)

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NATALIE: Wait, Zach?!

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PATRICK: Mmm, yes? How do you know my name?

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NATALIE: You’re Zach Adams? Anne didn’t tell me you were so ...

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PATRICK: So...?

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NATALIE: It’s nothing! Nothing, (laughs) I’m Natalie.

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PATRICK: Oh! Wow! I had no idea when I came over here thinking you had dropped this.

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NATALIE: What is it?

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PATRICK: This? No idea. (throws it over his shoulder) Shall we sit?

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NATALIE: Sure, lead the way, Zach Adams, Mr Adams, Dr. Adams.

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PATRICK: ... Dr.?

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NATALIE: Yeah, Anne said you were an accomplished  neurosurgeon.

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PATRICK: Ah! Of course. Anne ... was just ... saying that to tease me.

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NATALIE: So you’re not a surgeon?

 

PATRICK: Oh, I’m a surgeon. I just ... prefer to think of myself as a ... healer. (Don bursts into giggles before composing himself) Can I help you? No? Didn’t think so.

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DON: No, son you cannot help me. But maybe you can help the confused looking man fast approaching.

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PATRICK: Uh ... is he in need of a ... gluteus-ectomy or something why would a world renowned surgeon be of help?

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NATALIE: Technically Anne said ‘accomplished’.

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PATRICK: Then the surprise is on you, babe, cause I’m world renowned. Google me. Later Not now. (the real Zach Adams enters. Patrick stands to confront him) This the guy? Why do you think he needs a surgeon? 

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DON: Because the name tag he has forgotten to remove says ‘Zach Adams’.

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PATRICK: (Gulps) ... Oh.

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NATALIE: (Simultaneous) Oh ... That’s your name! What a funny coincidence! (everyone stares at her. In realization) Oh! 

(in anger) OH!

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DON: (placing a hand on Patrick’s shoulder) I stand by what I said. Watching you embarrass yourself has proved entertaining.

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ZACH: Excuse me?

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NATALIE: Not now, Zach! (wheeling back on Patrick) And let me tell you why!

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PATRICK: Why what?

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NATALIE: What what? 

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PATRICK: Wait. 

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NATALIE: What?

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PATRICK: Wait!

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NATALIE: NO!

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DON: ... This has ceased being fun.

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NATALIE: (Frothing) It is time to take your expensive suit and watch and briefcase and whatever your real name is and just get out of here! 

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PATRICK: (Matching her anger) Thank you for the compliments to my wardrobe! If you weren’t so crazy, you’d be hot enough to bang! Now I’m going to continue my vacation to the Cayman islands! So there!

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PATRICK: (As Patrick exits she storms after him. Don blocks her way while she continues to yell) You’re welcome! And you also are physically attractive but you ruin it by being a jerk! (she wheels back on Zach. Don stumbles) So! Zach, ready for our Ice-Cream-a-thon?

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ZACH: ... Who are you?

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NATALIE: Oh! I’m Natalie Knope! Anne’s friend. (she punches his shoulder)

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ZACH: (He gingerly rubs his shoulder) Anne’s friend? 

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NATALIE: I’m here for our date!

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ZACH: (blinks repeatedly) Let’s pretend I’m deaf in one ear. Can you repeat that? 

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NATALIE: I’m ... here for our blind date? Didn’t Anne tell you?

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ZACH: She talks a lot. It is possible may have missed it. But, stop me if I go too fast, you’re here to take me on a blind date? Did I go too fast?

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NATALIE: No, you’re speaking really slowly and un-excitedly. 

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ZACH: Well, I’m flattered, but frankly, you're a little scary. 

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NATALIE: Oh, you’re flattered? That’s so cute. Anne was right about you. Come! Sit! Tell me all about you.

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ZACH: Well, I’m a medical intern. I’m buried in student loans. I really like tacos? Who was that guy?

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NATALIE: 

You’re not a neurosurgeon? 

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ZACH: Oh, no. My hands shake when I have to use a needle. Who was that guy?

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NATALIE: Who?

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ZACH: The guy you were yelling at?

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NATALIE: Oh, him? I was waiting for you, and I had this sign with your name on it, and I had all these things planned and he pretended to be you, and then you walked in and ... did you still want to go on our date?

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ZACH: Um ... what is your name again?

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NATALIE: NATALIE! 

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ZACH: Right! Right ... Okay, you know what? You seem like you’re very self-assured— 

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NATALIE: Which I am.

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ZACH: —and very confident—

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NATALIE: Which I am.

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ZACH: and I find that absolutely terrifying! My first interaction with you was you yelling at a complete stranger. I think I just want to go home after a long flight. Okay? Look, I’ll call Anne, and maybe we can set up something while I’m in town? Less surprises?

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NATALIE: (grumbles under her breath) I guess. 

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ZACH: Thanks for the very strange homecoming though. I can’t believe that guy pretended to be me. I’d look way better in that suit. (Natalie gives him a skeptical look) Well ... farewell. 

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(Zach exits, leaving Natalie alone with Don, who exits into his office. He returns carrying something)

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NATALIE: Did I come on too strong?

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DON: Yes, but the manchild and the misogynist were both wastes of your talent. 

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(He holds out what he’s carrying to her)

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NATALIE: Ice-Cream Sandwiches!

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DON: This is a poor substitute for what I believe you called a ‘Ice-Cream-a-Thon’, but I believe you have earned it.

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NATALIE: That ... that is so sweet. Thank you!

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DON: Do not tell anyone. And ... you’re welcome. My name is Don.

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NATALIE: I am Natalie Knope, and I am very pleased to make your acquaintance! 

 

BLACKOUT