Written by Shane Zellow

Directed by Jordyn Cardwell

​

A young hoodlum bites off more than he can chew when he attempts to rob a diner where the patrons are assassins. 

INT. CAFE —— NIGHT

An empty cafe, ready to close for the night. A single waiter, BILLY remains working, mopping the floor, impatient for his shift to end. He checks the time, sighs, and goes back to mopping. An elegant woman enters, LAURA. They stare at each other.

 

LAURA: The sign said you were open ... Are you ...?

 

BILLY: Am I what?

 

LAURA: Open, darling.

 

BILLY: Oh!  Yes, sit wherever you’d like and I’ll get you a menu. I’m sorry. Twelve hour shift on my day off. 

 

LAURA: You poor thing. You look absolutely run ragged. I’m sorry to arrive so late, if you were about to close——

 

BILLY: I’m actually glad to have some company. 

 

LAURA: My friend and I won’t cause you too much trouble ... whenever it is she arrives.
 

BILLY: Old friend, I take it? 

 

LAURA: The oldest. However did you guess?

 

BILLY: At this hour? It’d have to be an old friend——especially if they’re late. 

 

LAURA: We grew up here, went to school together, used to come here to this diner as teenagers. That was before we went gallivanting off, young women ready to conquer the world.

 

BILLY: Did you? 

 

LAURA: What? Oh, yes, of course——didn’t you notice?

 

BILLY: Of course I did, Miss ...

 

LAURA: Laura. Laura Haven.

 

BILLY: William, but everyone just calls me Billy. Can I get you anything to drink?

 

LAURA: Thank you, William. Coffee, cream and sugar, please. 

 

BILLY: I’ll get that right up for you. (exits)

 

Laura sits idly until a presence outside catches her eye, exciting her, just before Helen enters, irritable. She looks around at the diner, decides she doesn’t like it. She throws herself into her seat and shifts left, then right, then left again. 

 

HELEN: Don’t give me that look, Laura. I can’t stand it when you give me that look. 

 

Mitch enters, sits at the bar, fidgets, and stares at them. 

 

LAURA: (Taking it all in stride) I cannot tell you how good it is to see you, Helen.

 

HELEN: (to Mitch) Need something?

 

MITCH: (Looks around nervously) No.

 

HELEN: Could have fooled me. 

 

MITCH: Why? 

 

HELEN: You’re staring.

 

MITCH: (starts to retort, rethinks it)... Sorry. (fiddles nervously)

 

LAURA: Forgive my asking, but do you know him? 

 

HELEN: Him? What? That him? No. Why? 

 

LAURA: I’ve always admired your skill with people.

 

HELEN: Laura, I left Daniel.

 

LAURA: ... Oh ....

 

HELEN: Yep. I left. Him! Dan. Daniel. I loved him and I left him. Poor bastard ... I’m just so bored.

 

LAURA: I would think that dating a police detective would afford you some excitement. 

 

HELEN: You would think, but nope. Not Daniel. He’s just so domestic. 

 

LAURA: I was also under the impression when you retired you were looking for something rather domestic, dear. 

 

HELEN: I hate the word retired. And don’t call me dear. 

 

LAURA: Does this mean you want to go back to work?

 

HELEN: No, I just——Do you remember the old days?

 

LAURA: Vaguely, darling. I was there. 

 

Billy returns to mop the floor, and is interrupted when Mitch leaps to his feet and pulls a gun.

 

BILLY: (hands going up) OH!

 

MITCH: Money. This is a stick up. Give me money please——I mean now. 

 

HELEN: Really? Now? Really? Jesus, this would happen.

 

LAURA: Oh, don’t mind him. Go on with your story. 

 

HELEN: No, he’s being rude.

 

MITCH: Excuse me ....

 

HELEN: There’s no excuse for you, sir. I’m having a moment with my friend and you ... you——you’re being an asshole.

 

MITCH: (turning the gun) What——?!

 

LAURA: Wonderful, Helen, now please insult the wild gunman’s mother. 

 

HELEN: Laura, don’t do this to me. You always do this to me.

 

MITCH: Hey——!

 

LAURA: And this time I refuse to be held accountable when this gentleman, rude as he may be——

 

MITCH: Shut up! Shut-up-shutup-shutup! I am here trying to rob this dive, considerately, not that it’s any of your business, so whatever domestic troubles you might be having can wait until I’m done so WILL YOU CRAZY BITCHES SHUT UP?!

 

Mitch turns back to Billy. Helen stands up, pulls a gun of her own, and shoots Mitch. Billy goes stock still. Mitch collapses to the ground. Helen walks over and is about to shoot Mitch in the back of the head before Laura leaps from her seat to intervene. Blood pools around the Mitch, and a shocked Billy frenetically begins mopping.  

 

LAURA: Helen Ross, really?!

 

HELEN: Tracy, Laura. My maiden name is Tracy. I left Daniel, remember? 

 

LAURA: You left the love of your life for this? To vent your frustrations by killing petty criminals? 

 

HELEN: It wasn’t like I planned for this to happen, Laura. Besides he’s not dead. He’s just bleeding——’love of my life’?

 

Mitch groans.

 

LAURA: It is the principle of the matter, dear.

 

HELEN: (waving the gun wildly) Don’t call me dear!

 

BILLY: You ... you shot him.

 

LAURA: Yes that is exactly what she did, but, you know what? It is absolutely alright. I know you might not think that but you have to believe me, we have dealt with this situation many times in the past and there really is nothing you need to worry about.

 

BILLY: ... Done this in the past? 

 

(beat)

 

LAURA: We kill people.

 

HELEN: I’m retired.

 

LAURA: Never mind the fact that it was you who did the killing. 

 

HELEN: (She gives Mitch a kick. Groan.) He’s still not dead. 

 

LAURA: Not. The. Point. 

 

BILLY: What is the point? 

 

LAURA: That everything will be alright.

 

BILLY: (still shocked) Tell that to him.

 

HELEN: I think he knows. 

 

BILLY: (starting to come out of the shock) No ... him. (his eyes go wide) the guy walking toward the door!

 

LAURA: (calm) Helen, things may not be alright. 

 

HELEN:(considers the gun) We could ... 

 

LAURA: No. (Helen begins putting the gun away) Now, Billy get the body out of here.

 

BILLY: I don’t want to get involved. 

 

LAURA: If we get caught you’re going to be involved. (Beat before Billy moves to pick up Mitch. Laura turns to Helen) Block the door——is that Daniel? 

 

HELEN: (Stops putting the gun away) Ah, shit. 

 

The door opens and Daniel strides into the room, having recognized Helen (and nothing else) he strides straight past Laura and Billy who are in the midst of grappling with Mitch’s body. Helen hides the gun behind her back. 

 

HELEN: Hey! Fancy seeing you here... How’d you find me?

 

DANIEL: Laura’s in town. Only one place you’d be. Helen, look, we need to talk.

 

HELEN: (positioning herself so Daniel is facing away from Billy and Laura’s antics to hide or otherwise render Mitch’s body inconspicuous) Boy, don’t we!

 

DANIEL: ... You want to talk?

 

HELEN: Sure do. I could listen to whatever you have to say .... 

 

DANIEL: I love you.

 

HELEN: ——except that. 

 

DANIEL: Helen, I love you and you don’t have to be threatened by how I feel.

 

HELEN: Threatened? I’m not threatened, Daniel. I am ... (Billy and Laura drop Mitch heavily to the floor. Daniel starts to turn) CRAZY! I’m nuts. Totally off the wall. And High maintenance. And I talk with my mouth full. All those things. All of them, Daniel and it’s just too much for you to put up with. 

 

DANIEL: You think I haven’t noticed that? All of it? None of it compares to how great you are.

 

HELEN: Great things? And what do you mean, noticed? 

 

DANIEL: When you get flustered you do this ... scarecrow thing with your arms. 

 

HELEN: Is this your definition of a great thing? 

 

DANIEL: Well, I’m sorry I didn’t improvise a sonnet and Shakespeare my way into your heart. I just ... the first time I met you, I thought this here’s a girl who’s got it all together. She’s cool and collected and knows what’s what. Hell, Helen, talking to you was the scariest thing I ever did and I never once regretted it. All I wanted to do was to keep up .... 

 

HELEN: ... You mean all that? 

 

DANIEL: (Goes to embrace her) I love you, and nothing——is that a gun? (looks around for the first time) Is that a body?

 

HELEN: He’s not dead—— (Daniel pulls out his own gun, confused and tense, and points it at Helen) Now, honey, don’t be upset. You know how you get. 

 

DANIEL: Don’t get upset——?

 

HELEN: He deserved it.

 

DANIEL: Deserved it? There’s a bullet hole in his chest. What did he do?!

 

HELEN: He called Laura a bitch ...? 

 

LAURA: Hello Daniel, you’re looking well. 

 

DANIEL: So you killed him?

 

BILLY: He was also trying to rob me ....

 

DANIEL: Stay out of this, kid——wait sorry. This is a lot to deal with. So it was self-defense?

 

HELEN: I’m sure a jury could be convinced to see it that way.

 

DANIEL: Oh god, I married a murderer. How could you do something like this?

 

HELEN: ... Surprise, honey, I’m an assassin.

 

LAURA: I thought you were retired.

 

DANIEL: (turning) You knew?

 

LAURA: Why of course I knew. Who do you think it was that got her started?

 

DANIEL: Honestly——I mean, you I believe, but, Helen, you ... an assassin?

 

HELEN: (she waves the gun around for emphasis) I can’t believe you would think that! I’m a damn good assassin, Daniel. I was top of my class!

 

DANIEL: There are classes for this? 

 

BILLY: (grabs Mitch’s abandoned gun) Excuse me! Will someone here be reasonable? He loves you, you love him, he’s bleeding on my floor, and I have to close this diner!

 

The three of them point the gun back and forth between each other, first one way then another as their focuses shift. 

 

LAURA: (leaps in from of Billy) No one is shooting poor William. 

 

HELEN: He pointed the gun at me first!

 

DANIEL: And I’m sure that’s enough reason for you to put a bullet between his eyes.

 

HELEN: Is there a better reason?

 

DANIEL: You ... uh ... no, I guess not.

 

LAURA: I say you’re not shooting William and that’s final. He’s been very accommodating, all things considered, and he’s cute.

 

HELEN: You’re choosing his side because he’s cute? This is just like school all over again.

 

DANIEL: I imagine you’d find yourself pointing guns at people a lot at assassin school. 

 

HELEN: No not that, we——oh, funny! You’re real funny, Daniel.

 

LAURA: Oh, for heaven’s sake. (Laura grabs Billy’s hand and turns the gun toward her own head. Billy reacts with panic) Now, do I have your attention? Everyone put their guns down. (Billy is the only one to move his gun. Laura jerks it back into place) Not you, William.

 

HELEN: You’re not going to shoot yourself. 

 

LAURA: No, but William here has a mighty shaky trigger finger. 

 

HELEN: Laura, you’re being ridiculous. 

 

LAURA: Am I, Helen? Am I being ridiculous?

 

DANIEL: Well, just a little bit. You are pointing a gun at yourself.

 

LAURA: And why might I feel the need to point a gun at myself? 

 

HELEN: Because ... we’re being ridiculous.

 

LAURA: Yes you are. You’re my friends and I hate to be blunt, but you’re acting like children. You both love each other very much and now the cards are on the table. You can either shoot each other or put down the guns and figure out what comes next. 

 

Helen and Daniel lower their guns.

 

BILLY: What about him? (gesturing at Mitch)

 

The group remembers Mitch, turning to find that the bleeding burglar has regained consciousness and has started pulling himself toward the door.

 

MITCH: (hopeful) Don’t mind me? 

 

DANIEL: He did pull a gun in a diner in front of three witnesses and I am a detective.

 

MITCH: You are not seriously going to arrest me, are you? 

 

HELEN: You’re damn right he is! 

 

DANIEL: (pulls out a pair of handcuffs and puts them on Mitch) Come on. I’ll figure out what to do with you on the way to the ER.

 

LAURA: What? 

 

DANIEL: He did save our marriage. 

 

MITCH: (shocked) I got shot. 

 

DANIEL: (to Helen) So ... Assassin School?

 

HELEN: Yeah.

 

DANIEL: (agreeable) I guess that doesn’t sound too different than being a cop.

 

HELEN: Less paperwork. You do hate paperwork.

 

DANIEL: I do .... (leads Mitch by the cuffs painfully) Will you be home when I get back?

 

HELEN: Yeah, I think I will.

 

MITCH: I’m still bleeding.

 

DANIEL: I love you. (They kiss. Daniel backs out the door, leading Mitch by the cuffs with little regard to his well-being). You can come too, Laura. If you’d like. It’s cool. (To Billy) Bye, Guy. (The cast leaves in reverse order of their entrances).

 

LAURA: Quite the homecoming. 

 

HELEN: You know ... I forgot how much I missed doing this with you.

 

LAURA: You’re always welcome back, dear. Are you going to be alright? 

 

HELEN: I think everything is going to be just fine. We’d better get back to the house. I guess we’ve got a lot to talk about. (Helen exits)

 

LAURA: (turns to Billy) And here I promised that we wouldn’t cause you too much trouble. William, you’ve been a simply astounding waiter. (She pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles on it) You should call me. 

 

BILLY: (stares dumbly as Laura exits. He picks up the mop, looks around, as if waking from a dream) What the f—?

 

BLACKOUT