Fuck it's New Years in what, 38 hours? I don't know what to do with that. I keep seeing all these Best Of lists and all I can think is that this year was a fairly unmitigated disaster for me. Okay, no that's hyperbole but my anxiety and depression have been worse than ever.
TWO THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR (SPECIFIC)
1. There's this dog, right? I pass his yard on my daily walk and when he's there, this dog is so excited to see me. He runs up to the fence and bounces, literally bounces until I pet him. No collar so I just call him Scoob. I'm grateful for Scoob.
2. 20 days ago I blogged that my friend, Jared gifted me with a new computer monitor and an arm clamp. The problem was, it didn't fit on my desk. It took me all this time to figure out how to get it set up. So I'll double-dib and say I am
still grateful for my friend, Jared.
ONE THING THAT WENT WELL DURING THE DAY
I already said I was grateful to Jared for the monitor that I finally got set up yesterday, so there was that. I also spent so many spoons on the phone. I talked to my therapist, my psychiatrist, and my insurance. I was ready to lay on the floor but hey, it's done.
ONE ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL ACTION ITEM FOR THE DAY
Oh, man, what do I need to do today? Fuck, um, other than work on my D&D (not) One Shot, I gotta pay a medical bill? Listen, guys, I've been a bundle of anxiety and nerves since last night. God forbid maybe I just need to relax. Or something.
WHATEVER IS ON MY MIND
Okay, remember what I said at the top about disasters and hyperbole? I'm just so worried that I'm making the wrong choices, all the time. Last year I promised I'd dedicate this year to finding a job in a field I enjoy. I took every concrete step I could and ... it didn't happen.
Like, what do I do? Where do I fit? Where do I belong? I networked at conventions, I emailed professionals, I applied for positions, I created this blog and posted my portfolio, and ... I can't help but feel like I'm in my own way in some undefinable way that I can't fix.
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