2/8/2023, A Grateful Morning

Yesterday rather caught me off-guard. I was fairly down, which is not new, but then, in the evening, I had the impulse to call a friend but decided not to. A few minutes later my phone rang. Somehow I knew it was him without looking. We proceeded to talk for four hours.

TWO THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR (SPECIFIC)

1. How can I not be grateful for my friend? Since the day we met we just ... clicked. We've been through a lot together. So much. Two traumatized, mentally-ill teenagers looking out for each other when the adults were nowhere to be found.

2. I'm grateful for ... in the last week, I've had three friends, call me, Joe, Bryan, and now John. I've been self-isolating a lot recently, depressed, and feeling very alone. I'm grateful that I have friends who will circle around to check on me.

ONE THING THAT WENT WELL DURING THE DAY

Well. I got rejected for another job. I'm trying to look at it with a positive spin. Rejections mean I am trying. If I keep trying, something will give, right? Or even if it doesn't, I don't want to be the type of person who gives up. So, one more rejection for the wall.

ONE ABSOLUTELY CRITICAL ACTION ITEM FOR THE DAY

Back on the trail, hunting for more job postings. Nothing on my Linkedin but I'll make the rounds, look at companies that I'd like to work at. Try and not feel guilty about not doing more. Hustle culture babeh! Gotta always be moving so the existential dread can't catch you!

WHATEVER IS ON MY MIND

Y'know, what I said before about traumatized mentally ill teens looking out for each other. That describes most of my high school friendships. I hate it. I hate that we had to take care of each other because the people who were supposed to be looking out for us just ... didn't.

The worst part is, while trying to help each other deal with trauma and abuse, the only language any of us had to work with was trauma and abuse. It took a lot of years to separate my behavior from that of the people who first hurt me. My friends too. I'm proud of us.

All best,

Shane Zellow

(he/him)

Two idiots saving each other's lives